Funny chalk art where one of the boy is real. Don't forget that all of the pictures were created on flat sidewalks
Ref:joeschwartz.net
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Funny Chalk Art
Funny chalk art where one of the boy is real. Don't forget that all of the pictures were created on flat sidewalks
Ref:joeschwartz.net
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Dont be afraid
Dont be afraid to ring the doorbell.Please, just press it at least once.
Ref:greatfunnypictures.com
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Lucky shot
The girls were obviously photographed themselves, set a camera on timer and than ran and jumped to make it into shot. But this time something has gone wrong.
The first shot was ok, but the second one...not really.
I just hope that the woman is ok.
Ref:myfunnyworld.net
Friday, August 13, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Funny Jokes - An Irishman.......
An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr. Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist," said the doctor.
"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth."
The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve is dead; that's what's the matter."
"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must be houldin' a wake over it!"
FUNNY JOKES TEETH
Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his face, he positively refused to open his mouth.
The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and out it came.
"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist asked smiling.
"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness of his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot where the boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the roots would reach down like that."
Monday, February 15, 2010
Funny Jokes - China.......
In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be expected to ask:
"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?"
"Hohi, two-three."
Silence. Then the exchange resumes.
"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"
Short Funny Jokes - A German woman.......
A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows:
"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. I vant to speak mit him."
Short Jokes - OPERATOR.......
OPERATOR—"Number, please."
SUBSCRIBER—"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him any more. You must of pushed him off de vire."
Funny Jokes - New York Elks.......
New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, a Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelry store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.
"I want to speak to Mr. H——," said a woman's voice.
"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.
"Elizabeth."
"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?"
"I want to talk to Mr. H——."
"You'll talk to me."
"Please let me speak to Mr. H——."
The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she said, "who are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?"
"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the reply.
And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's Elizabeth.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Funny Jokes - Grover Cleveland's.......
When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to the instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change from bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father's voice—yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examining the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh, Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?"
FUNNY JOKES TELEPHONE
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked:
"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"
"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."
"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"
"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I have heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TEMPER
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now."
"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind—I want to go, I thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he can't go."
"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this very minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind—I want to go, I thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that he can't go."
Monday, February 1, 2010
VERY FUNNY JOKES TEMPERANCE
A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whisky house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low price. The letter wound up by saying:
"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties whose names you send us."
The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for that purpose.
He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a request for some more names, and was just about to throw the communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80, representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose names he had sent in about three weeks before.
"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties whose names you send us."
The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in the names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for that purpose.
He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday he received another letter from the same house. He supposed it was a request for some more names, and was just about to throw the communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the name of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore open the envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4.80, representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose names he had sent in about three weeks before.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TEMPERANCE
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatly astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing "something to take," a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing in their snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with the intelligence.
"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough. It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he occupied the premises thirty years since."
"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."—Abbie C. Dixon.
"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough. It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when he occupied the premises thirty years since."
"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in the pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid."—Abbie C. Dixon.
FUNNY JOKES TEXAS
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map. Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two of the old-time residents:
"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."
"Been on a trip north."
"Where'd you go?"
"Went to Dallas."
"Have a good time?"
"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."
"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."
"Been on a trip north."
"Where'd you go?"
"Went to Dallas."
"Have a good time?"
"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."
Monday, January 25, 2010
REALLY FUNNY JOKES TEXTS
John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make at the latter's church.
"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the verse from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would that seem appropriate?"
"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriate verse?"
"I certainly do," was the reply.
"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I would select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.'"
FUNNY JOKES TEXTS
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that the margin read "turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:
"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice. But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and will expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have gone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles, a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a human being, they went kerflop-kerplunk, down into the water. This I say, then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively, referred to the kerflop of the turtle as the voice of the turtle, and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down at the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I have always preached to this congregation—that immersion is the only form of baptism."
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Funny Jokes - It appears that.......
It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. The words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of pistol-shots was heard off the wings.
"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it."
"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"
Funny Jokes - Why don't women......
"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" asked Mr. Torkins.
"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend the same theaters."
Friday, January 22, 2010
FUNNY JOKES THEATER
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and—"
"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that the law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"—P.H. Carey.
REALLY FUNNY JOKES THIEVES
Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on it.
"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.
The friend expressed doubts.
"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch he wins."
Still the friend doubted.
"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now, an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."
Short Funny Jokes - ten years.......
"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"
"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im like any other gentleman?"
Funny Jokes - Senator.......
Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was "Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came to him and said:
"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardon mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in the pen'tentry."
"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.
"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some bacon."
"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"
"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress innocently.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
FUNNY JOKES THIEVES
At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen his watch.
"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of annoyance. "I will get it back for you."
Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its owner.
"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.
"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't know that I have got it back."
FUNNY JOKES - GEORGIA LAWYER
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)—"Well, Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?"
RASTUS—"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
LAWYER—"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuse you of stealing?"
RASTUS—"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
FAVORITE JOKE OF THE DAY THRIFT
They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had been courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between had always been respectfully preserved.
"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of an hour and a half.
"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a wee bit kissie."
"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him plumply on the tip of his left ear.
Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked twenty-seven minutes.
"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo—anither, eh?"
"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."
"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with expectation. "An' what micht it be?"
"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were paying me that penny!"
"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a silence of an hour and a half.
"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye the truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a wee bit kissie."
"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed him plumply on the tip of his left ear.
Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock ticked twenty-seven minutes.
"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo—anither, eh?"
"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."
"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat with expectation. "An' what micht it be?"
"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye were paying me that penny!"
Funny Stories - Old Uncle
"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has broken off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin' together for about eight years, durin' which time she had been inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy; but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson so well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the match."—Puck.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Funny Jokes - A Scotsman wishing......
A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an affirmative answer.
"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day for my answer."
"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is the lass for me."
"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day for my answer."
"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is the lass for me."
Funny Jokes - The canny Scot......
The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.
"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.
"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.
"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.
"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.
"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.
"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Funny Jokes - A Highlander
A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When he arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remained unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyes opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen.
"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling."
"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.
"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."
"Ay," assented the son.
"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."
"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the last."
Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.
"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."
Dugald shook his head sadly.
"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety."
"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling."
"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.
"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."
"Ay," assented the son.
"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."
"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae the last."
Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.
"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."
Dugald shook his head sadly.
"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a peety."
Funny Jokes - A certain workman
A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friend one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:
"Can ye len' us a match, John?"
John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to have left my tobacco pouch at hame."
John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand, remarked:
"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."
"Can ye len' us a match, John?"
John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feel his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to have left my tobacco pouch at hame."
John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand, remarked:
"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."
Funny Stories - The foreman
The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansas eating establishment.
"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.
"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table.
"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five dollars for it."
"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.
"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of there and carried her home on wheels.'
"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.
"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em."
"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," observed the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.
"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table.
"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but they took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dry and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feet deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with it until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man five dollars for it."
"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.
"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that old lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of there and carried her home on wheels.'
"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.
"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could have figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some more fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em."
Short Funny Jokes - McANDREWS
McANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)—"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water does just as well!"
SANDY (hastily)—"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye, after all. Gude nicht!"
SANDY (hastily)—"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye, after all. Gude nicht!"
FUNNY JOKES THRIFT
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:
"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in value?
"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took the saxpence they would never try me again."
"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in value?
"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took the saxpence they would never try me again."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TIDES
At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two Kentuckians were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.
"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the children for a souvenir?"
"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be right interestin'."
"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it. Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck and replaced the cork.
"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll bust sure."
"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the children for a souvenir?"
"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be right interestin'."
"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it. Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck and replaced the cork.
"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll bust sure."
SHORT FUNNY JOKES TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops.
"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up and down! D'ye want to drown me?"
"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up and down! D'ye want to drown me?"
Saturday, January 16, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TIME
A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well.
"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."
"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."
Funny Jokes - FATHER—"Mildred.......
FATHER—"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."
On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.
FATHER (firmly)—"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own time. When shall it be?"
MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)—"Yesterday."
On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.
FATHER (firmly)—"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own time. When shall it be?"
MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)—"Yesterday."
Funny One Line Jokes - There was a.......
There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02; Said the trainman, "Don't hurry Or flurry or worry; It's a minute or two to 2:02."
Funny Jokes - A well-known.......
A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind.
At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."
At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."
Funny Jokes - A well-known.......
A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the first time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind.
At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."
At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.
"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."
Funny Jokes - Frank comes into.......
Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.
"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked."
"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."
"What! with your new trousers on?"
"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."
"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked."
"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."
"What! with your new trousers on?"
"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."
Friday, January 15, 2010
FUNNY SHORT JOKES TIME
A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions.
"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving so recklessly? I'm in no hurry."
"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' to put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!"
REALLY FUNNY JOKES TIME
A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the judges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.
With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing on the time of this court."
"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."—Edwin Tarrisse.
SHORT FUNNY JOKES TIME
MRS. MURPHY—"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off."
MRS. CASEY—"Shure, he's good for a year yit."
MRS. MURPHY—"As long as thot?"
MRS. CASEY—"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thim give him three months to live."—Puck.
FUNNY STORIES TIME
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man," she muttered as she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimes they don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an' to-day it's a quarther to twilve."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
FUNNY JOKES OF THE DAY TIPS
In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they are a very careful and thrifty race.
An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:
"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"
In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:
"No, take some."
An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five shillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:
"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"
In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:
"No, take some."
SHORT FUNNY JOKES TIPS
"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"
"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery of America was the making of this town."
"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery of America was the making of this town."
REALLY FUNNY JOKES TIPS
Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker.
A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see Baedeker?"
"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to Baedeker?"
The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the sheik a shilling.'"
A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see Baedeker?"
"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to Baedeker?"
The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the sheik a shilling.'"
FUNNY JOKES TIPS
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed the order before him he said in a loud voice:
"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"
"One thousand francs, monsieur."
"Eh bien! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you the thousand francs?"
"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.
Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"
"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"
"One thousand francs, monsieur."
"Eh bien! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you the thousand francs?"
"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.
Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
FUNNY JOKES - TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said:
"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said:
"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
*******
Great collection of funny jokes
Great collection of funny jokes
FUNNY JOKES - Dean Stanley was once.....
Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered: "The Lord, my boy."
FUNNY JOKES - How did he get.....
"How did he get his title of colonel?"
"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."
FUNNY JOKES TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in."
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TRADE UNIONS
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE—"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?"
ST. PETER (proudly)—"It is, sir."
"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day."
FUNNY JOKES TRAMPS
LADY—"Can't you find work?"
TRAMP—"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."
LADY—"And can't you get one?"
TRAMP—"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years."
Monday, January 11, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TRANSMUTATION
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone; Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber.
*******
Great collection of funny jokes
Great collection of funny jokes
FUNNY JOKES - Know most of the rooms.......
Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the threshold thereof.—Fuller.
When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must be content.—Shakespeare.
As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of the Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it is in traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring home knowledge.—Samuel Johnson.
FUNNY JOKES - On one of the famous scenic.......
On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who has lost the forefinger of his right hand.
His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places him in the observation car, where he is the target for an almost unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain cañons and points of interest along the route.
One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fire of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his finger:
"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"
"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists."
FUNNY JOKES - An American tourist.......
An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship Victory, which was Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. An English sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to a raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed his hat:
"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."
"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. I nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."
FUNNY JOKES - A number of tourists .......
A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius. An American gentleman said to his companion.
"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."
An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:
"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."
FUNNY JOKES - Mr. Hiram Jones had just.......
Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of Europe.
"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did as the English do and dropped your H's."
"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as the Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."
Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the mortgage extended.—W. Hanny.
FUNNY JOKES - Two young Americans touring ......
Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off one night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe. Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held him there.
"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up at the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled.
They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stay over and see the famous leaning tower.
FUNNY JOKES - An American tourist ......
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself. He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is not the season for funerals."
FUNNY JOKES TRAVELERS
A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the following on himself:
"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland four miles from a railway station.
"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha's coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt a wee bit of prayer would not be out of place.
"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us grace tae understan' him.'
"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a traveler meself!'"—Fenimore Marlin.
FUNNY JOKES TREASON
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much like treason."
Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure, treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."
Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure, treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."
*******
Great collection of funny jokes
Great collection of funny jokes
Sunday, January 10, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TREES
CURIOUS CHARLEY—"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"
FATHER—"They do, my son."
CURIOUS CHARLEY—"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"
FATHER—"The pantry, my son."
FATHER—"They do, my son."
CURIOUS CHARLEY—"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"
FATHER—"The pantry, my son."
******
Very funny jokes for you!
Very funny jokes for you!
FUNNY JOKES TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?"
"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry—that's trigonometry."
"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry—that's trigonometry."
******
Great collection of funny jokes
Great collection of funny jokes
Saturday, January 9, 2010
FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY
A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years' absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family. "Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."
"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse Tom, moughty troublesome."
"What's the trouble?" said my friend.
"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money. She don't give me no peace."
"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"
"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."
"And how much money have you given her?"
"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."—Sue M.M. Halsey.
SHORT FUNNY JOKES
JUDGE—"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."
PRISONER (to the jury)—"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given you all this trouble for nothing."
REALLY FUNNY JOKES
It was married men's night at the revival meeting.
"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted the preacher at the height of his spasm.
Instantly every man in the church arose except one.
"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."
"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up—I'm paralyzed!"
FUNNY JOKES TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?"
"Nothing."
"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?"
Friday, January 8, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TRUSTS
TOMPKINS—"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."
DEWLEY—"Is the machine on the market yet?"
TOMKINS—"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was bought by the Cold Storage Trust."
Thursday, January 7, 2010
TRUTH
Funny Jokes
Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.
Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the sea.—Democritus.
"Tis strange—but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than fiction."—Byron.
Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.
*****
Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the sea.—Democritus.
*****
"Tis strange—but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than fiction."—Byron.
*****
There was a young lady named Ruth,
Who had a great passion for truth.
She said she would die
Before she would lie,
And she died in the prime of her youth.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
FUNNY JOKES TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!"
"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."—Life.
TUTORS
FUNNY JOKES TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"
"Aw, 't is aisy—I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."—Harvard Lampoon.
FUNNY JOKES UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."
A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon he had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedly started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat.
"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.
He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car with his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant got in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said:
"I see you had a good day."
"That's a swell umbrella you carry."
"Isn't it?"
"Did you come by it honestly?"
"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. So I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran."
One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a restaurant. And here it is—as good as new."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
FUNNY JOKES VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money."
"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"
"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."
FUNNY JOKES VANITY
MCGORRY—"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy."
MRS. MCGORRY—"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am."
"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vain and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar." There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behind his neck.
A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming as great a beauty as her mother.
It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had been receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lying about. During the conversation the little girl amused herself by examining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, she seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her light hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:
"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"
"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear."
That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which wounds our own.—La Rochefoucauld.
FUNNY JOKES VERSATILITY
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:
"Dear Sir:
"I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the position."
FUNNY JOKES VOICE
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass.
In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk, "Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."
"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once," snapped the clerk.
ASPIRING VOCALIST—"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to do anything with my voice?"
PERSPIRING TEACHER—"Well it might come in handy in case of fire or shipwreck."—Cornell Widow.
The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,
An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.
—Byron.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
FUNNY JOKES WAGES
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da boss eata me."
Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress for services rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the more liberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said:
"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs went to the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses."
A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between Tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently overheard.
"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.
"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.
"Aw, g'wan!"
"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' de rest in legal advice."
While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore the following sign caught his eye:
DICKENS' WORKS
ALL THIS WEEK FOR
ONLY $4.OO
"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"
The difference between wages and salary is—when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month.
He is well paid that is well satisfied.—Shakespeare.
The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the general stock.—Henry George.
WAITERS
REALLY FUNNY JOKES WAR
"Flag of truce, Excellency."
"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"
"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk."
If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full of water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anything to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a machine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will save your country a great deal of expense.
"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as the soldiers marched to the train.
"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not going."—Puck.
He who did well in war, just earns the right
To begin doing well in peace.
—Robert Browning.
A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.—George Washington.
See also Arbitration, International; European War.
FUNNY JOKES WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking.
One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him.
"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"
FUNNY JOKES WASHINGTON, GEORGE
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked:
"Can any one now tell me which Washington was—a great general or a great admiral?"
The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him to speak.
"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shore standing up in a skiff."
A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George Washington, when an American approached.
"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never passed his lips."
"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the rest of ye."
SHORT JOKES WASPS
The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on.
FUNNY JOKES WASTE
The automobile rushed down the road—huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing. The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made rough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate—a goddess, a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair: "Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"—Literally translated from Le Sport of Paris.
A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, by reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could afford the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task of learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family, too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that they might converse with the unfortunate youngster.
During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearing suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operation performed by the physician.
Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, who one day exclaimed:
"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?"
"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we've all learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!"
FUNNY JOKES WEALTH
If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way.
The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together in the first place.—Puck.
He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold mine!—Jeremy Taylor.
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