Funny Jokes | Funny Pictures

Thursday, December 17, 2009

VERY FUNNY JOKES WIVES

"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I—I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It—it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It—it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.—D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" "'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you—not even if he was your husband—would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"—Western Christian Advocate.

PAT—"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE—"She is thot."

PAT—"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE—"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON—"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER—"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's all."

SON—"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me."

"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I—I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It—it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"

"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"

"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."

There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late

She finds some honest gander for her mate.

—Pope.

A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."

The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."

REALLY FUNNY JOKES WIVES

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you—not even if he was your husband—would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"—Western Christian Advocate.

PAT—"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE—"She is thot."

PAT—"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE—"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON—"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER—"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's all."

SON—"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me."

FUNNY JOKES WIVES

"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son," said the father.

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"—Town Topics.

A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage concerning Solomon's household.

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, after reflection.

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."

"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians had!"

CASEY—"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"

CLANCY—"Loike phwat?"

CASEY—"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."

Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then said:

"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:

"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'

"'I think so. Why?'

"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred, an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."

"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very happy."

"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was waiting for him.

"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"

WOMAN

Woman—the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head than to what's in it.

"How very few statues there are of real women."

"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."

"How so?"

"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life."

"Oh, woman! in our hours of ease

Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"—

So wrote Sir Walter long ago.

But how, pray, could he really know?

If woman fair he strove to please,

Where did he get his "hours of ease"?

—George B. Morewood.

MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get married."

THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that type."—Life.

You are a dear, sweet girl,

God bless you and keep you—

Wish I could afford to do so.

Here's to man—he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman—she can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.—George Ade.

Here's to the soldier and his arms,

Fall in, men, fall in;

Here's to woman and her arms,

Fall in, men, fall in!

Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his son this advice:

"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car—there will be another one along in a minute or two."

Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;

Here's to the widow of fifty;

Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;

And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.

Chorus:

Let the toast pass,—

Drink to the lass,

I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

—Sheridan.

Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;

But not too good, for the good die young,

And we want no dead ones.

And here's to the good old ladies,

But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.

When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, bewarer.—Henriette Corkland.

The young woman had spent a busy day.

She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker, argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste, nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her, discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow herself to be imposed upon.

Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:

"Let me be your protector through life!"

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.—Samuel Johnson.

Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears

Her noblest work she classes, O:

Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,

An' then she made the lasses, O.

—Burns.

Not from his head was woman took,

As made her husband to o'erlook;

Not from his feet, as one designed

The footstool of the stronger kind;

But fashioned for himself, a bride;

An equal, taken from his side.

—Charles Wesley.

WOMAN SUFFRAGE JOKES

WOMAN VOTER—"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."

Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!" she replied.

MR. E.N. QUIRE—"What are those women mauling that man for?"

MRS. HENBALLOT—"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our gentleness."

"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"

"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."

"Does your wife want to vote?"

"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote."

"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do."

"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any better than that there would be no use of our voting."

"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage movement," said the mere man.

"What is that?" asked his wife.

"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of twenty-one."—Catholic Universe.

MAMIE—"I believe in woman's rights."

GERTIE—"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"

MAMIE—"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."—The Woman's Journal.

During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the conversation turned that way between the women guests.

"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested.

"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.

"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you support in the present campaign?"

"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt reply—"my husband."